Kakashi Doesn't Know
by airenhitomi
Summary: Iruka loves Kakashi, but Kakashi doesn't know if he loves Iruka. Angsty shounen-ai, character death.


**KAKASHI DOESN'T KNOW   
By Airen Hitomi**

* * *

Kakashi doesn't know if he loves Iruka. Iruka isn't like all of his previous lovers. He isn't bold or dangerous or slightly insane. He doesn't dominate; never tries to convince Kakashi to do things that Kakashi doesn't want to do. So Kakashi has a habit of taking his relationship with Iruka for granted. Iruka will always be there for him, because Iruka is dependable, even if Kakashi doesn't know if he loves Iruka. 

Iruka knows he loves Kakashi. Kakashi isn't like all of his former lovers; and for that, Iruka is thankful. Kakashi is bright, and funny and lewd and passionate and horny and so very much alive. Iruka also knows that Kakashi may not love him. But for the moment, any relationship with Kakashi is better than none, so Iruka stays. 

Nobody knows about their relationship. Like the professional shinobi they are, they hide their emotions while in public, pretending to be nothing more than casual acquaintances. This is easy for Kakashi, who has a habit of treating Iruka as a casual acquaintance even when they are alone and intimate. Iruka has a harder time, struggling not to smile too much at the silver haired Jounin, or lightly brush their fingers together when Kakashi hands him a mission report.

* * *

Naruto knows that something is bothering his former sensei. The tanned Chuunin sits with Naruto at the ramen stand, eating and smiling at Naruto at all the right times, but his eyes give it away. Naruto is used to seeing the cocoa-brown orbs shining with life and good humour, but now they are clouded over with worry and indecision. Naruto wants to ask what's wrong, but he knows that Iruka-sensei will just brush off the question, stating that everything is fine, like he always does. Naruto is convinced that the smiling façade that Iruka presents to the world is even more fake than Naruto's own. So, Naruto talks about the mission that Iruka is leaving on the next day. It's a C-rank, delivering important scrolls to the Hidden Village of the Sand. 

Iruka knows the mission was given to him to get him away from Konoha. Tsunade is worried about him. He needs a break from the kids, and whatever it is that's bothering him, she says. So, Tsunade has realized that he's not as perpetually happy as he makes himself out to be. Iruka wonders if she knows why. He ponders this as he says his goodnight to Naruto and heads home. 

Iruka knows that Kakashi is waiting for him. The lights are off, the house is silent, but Iruka always knows when Kakashi's there. Iruka thinks that someone should always know when the one they love is around. But Iruka doesn't feel like seeing Kakashi tonight, catering for his sexual fantasies before they are separated for the week-long mission. He wishes that Kakashi would just take him in his arms and sleep, but Kakashi can never keep his hormones in check for long enough to simply cuddle. 

Kakashi knows that Iruka doesn't really feel like doing anything tonight, even as he pushes the school teacher up against the door, nibbling his neck and rubbing his leg inside Iruka's thighs. But that never stops Kakashi, because Iruka is dependable and will always be there for Kakashi to use, even if Kakashi doesn't know if he loves Iruka.

* * *

Kakashi knows that Iruka worries about him when he is away on missions. As they lay together on the nights before he leaves, Iruka would cuddle a little closer, kiss a little harder, and whisper that he loves him. Because Iruka does love Kakashi, even if Kakashi might not love him. And when Kakashi returns, always safe, Iruka would be thinner, with bags under his eyes, having barely eaten or slept while Kakashi was away. 

Kakashi knows Iruka wants something from him now, as they lay together before Iruka leaves. But Kakashi can't worry about Iruka, because Iruka is dependable, and will always return to Kakashi. And Kakashi can't say he loves him if he doesn't know.

* * *

Iruka knows he's running late. He was supposed to have returned to Konoha that evening, but if he runs all night now, he still won't be there until tomorrow midday. But Iruka doesn't mind. He knows Tsunade won't scold him for being late, and although Genma continually complains about the academy children, he knows the honey haired Jounin won't mind teaching for another day. So Iruka takes his time, his mind trying to sort out his confused emotions concerning the masked Jounin that will be waiting for his return. 

Iruka knows he loves Kakashi. He knows that Kakashi will be there when he returns, and he knows that Kakashi will be there only for him. Because Iruka is dependable, and attractive, and always willing to do whatever it is that Kakashi wants, so why would Kakashi feel the need to find another partner? But Iruka also knows that Kakashi won't take him out to eat, or hold his hand in public, or say those three little words that Iruka so desperately wants to hear. 

Iruka knows something is wrong up ahead. Even with his mind in turmoil, Iruka is still attuned to the area around him. He prepares himself for an attack, unsheathing his katana while narrowing his eyes, looking for a sign of what was to come. Senbon rain down on him from the trees edging the path. Iruka's katana flashes, deflecting most with a skill born of years of practice. But some slip through his defense, sliding into his flesh painfully. 

Iruka knows the enemy will not give him time to recover. Two black clothed figures leapt down at him, one with a wakazashi and the other with more senbon. Iruka wonders why they are attacking him, even as he brings his katana up to block a blow from the wakazashi, dodging senbon at the same time. 

Iruka knows he is at a disadvantage, as the senbon throwing figure begins to flow through the hand symbols of a jutsu. Iruka may be superior to these enemies at taijutsu, having perfected the basics while teaching them year after year, but his most effective jutsus were of water manipulation. As there was no water around, he would have to rely on less effective techniques. 

Iruka knows the jutsu that the enemy is forming. It was a favourite of the Okano clan, and he had taught several of those children. Iruka jumps, avoiding the sand trap that began to form below his feet. He lands in the trees, avoiding another hail of senbon and a swing from the wakazashi. Iruka swings his katana at the enemy in front of him, but his blade is pushed off course, digging deep into the tree trunk beside him. He releases the handle, ducking under the wakazashi, his hands moving through the hand symbols. Four more Irukas appear, one attacking the sword wielding enemy while another reaches for the katana trapped in the tree. The other two go after the other enemy hiding in the trees. It's then that Iruka begins to feel woozy, and his duplicates disappear because he hasn't the strength to keep them. 

Iruka knows now that the senbon lodged in his flesh were poisoned. His vision becomes blurred, as they two enemies begin to advance, chuckling at his misfortune. Iruka knows he is going to die. He clutches the katana that his clone had retrieved and made one last, desperate lunge. 

The wakazashi wielding enemy knows the wound now adorning his chest is fatal. But he can do nothing, collapsing besides the still form of Iruka, as his partner simply walks away, mission accomplished.

* * *

Kakashi knows something is wrong when Tsunade summons him to her office. Iruka was due back three days ago, and though Kakashi still doesn't know if he loves Iruka, he is worried. Tsunade looks as if she had been crying. She holds something in her hands, hidden from Kakashi's view. 

Tsunade knows about Kakashi's relationship with Iruka. She fears how the Jounin will react to the news of his lovers' death, so has an Anbu team standing ready. When Kakashi catches sight of the katana and a scratched, bloodied and mud-caked forehead protector in her hands, he knows what has happened, and it hurts. 

The Anbu team know that Kakashi is about to explode as he stares at the objects in Tsunade's hands. They also know that if Kakashi wants, they will all be dead by his hands. But still, they move forward, ready to protect Kakashi from himself. The howl that Kakashi lets loose seems inhuman, and yet, it is an expression of the most human emotions known; grief, rage, regret, and love.

* * *

Kakashi had had to be restrained by the Hokage herself. He was admitted to the hospital and kept drugged to prevent him from attempting suicide, or homicide in his grief. He will be released for the funeral tomorrow, and Tsunade can only hope that he is ready.

* * *

Kakashi doesn't know why Iruka was dead. The actions of the enemies were a mystery to all the village. But Kakashi now knows that he loves Iruka. He loves the scar on his nose, the silky brown hair that Iruka always kept back in that annoying ponytail. He loves the smile that Iruka bestowed only on him. He loves that Iruka loves him. And he can't seem to think of Iruka in the past tense. Because in Kakashi's mind, Iruka will always be there, dependable, to love Kakashi, and watch over Naruto, who was now on his knees sobbing, with a brotherly smile. Because Iruka is one of those people who will never fade from memory. 

And Kakashi knows. 

**END**

* * *

Lil': It's wrong!! She broke the unspoken rule of fanfictions!!! A fangirl MAY NOT kill her favourite character!!!!!!!!! 


End file.
